It's been awhile....

Here it is, the last day of 2021. And...... it's been awhile.....

I've thought of you, dear reader.
I've wondered if you've missed me.
I've let myself believe you haven't.
What does it matter.....any of what I share?

Truth is, it's been a tough year and yet, I can still say:  Life Is Good! 
I can still thrive in my deep knowing that I am enough and I have the answers for my fulfilled life. It's UNSHAKEABLE. Back to this later.....

I can KNOW that I felt like you haven't missed me and, at the same time, I can KNOW that that is a story-- an illusion --I've made up in my head.  This isn't about you and me-- it's about my need to feel seen and heard..... to not feel rejected.....to matter. Who must fulfill that for me?  Me.  Knowing all this gifts me with the unshakeable steadiness, even as the emotions ebb and flow sometimes wildly. Even as I don't always know how to fulfill that for myself at any given moment.

The story comes from one of my longtime, emotional battles that pesters me with thoughts of "how could you possibly matter?" I've overcome much of this (--thank God!) yet what took years of conditioning doesn't just drop itself from my repertoire of triggered reactions. 

Consciously, I can insist on another story...... I can ask: perhaps you HAVE missed me and you've felt ABANDONED?  What is my responsibility here?  What does it matter.....any of what I share?  There it is again-- "how could you possibly matter?", that little voice asks.

Honestly, I KNOW I MATTER TO YOU. Because you are here, reading. And each of our voices matter. I know that YOU MATTER TO ME because I value your sense of peace and joy.  I feel passionate about other people's and our humanity's JOY.  I value the vibes we each share in this world to uplift one another. AND, I'VE MISSED YOU!

There are writers and vloggers that I enjoy following for the information and peace of mind they bring me. I know, when they have not shared anything new in awhile, I feel SAD, almost a SUBTLE DESPAIR. Perhaps abandonment is too harsh. Yes, it's more subtle. EMPTY. Like i relied upon them to fill my cup.  (For another writing but: It makes me realize that, as with everything in life, EXCESS of ANYTHING can be dangerous. They post day after day and sometimes within hours. You gobble up their beautiful voices. You feel a sense of solidarity. Yet, one should be wary of falling dependent upon another to fill one's cup. With GRIT and GRACE, these voices share to create connection and provoke thought. But the idea is not to overconsume....... CONSUME AND THEN DO SOMETHING. CREATE!).

Coming back to this idea of UNSHAKEABLE sense of SELF-WORTH and SELF-RELIANCE. I have it. I'm thrilled and both grateful & great-full to have it.  I want to share it if you are seeking it. This is why what I share matters. To anyone looking for it,

Ending 2021, I am clearing out my inconsistencies and excuses to showing up regularly. I CHERISH YOU. And I cherish my own Soul. That is all we can ask of one another.